al_truism | (Old) IC Contact Post

From:

[ 'I'm angry. I can't stop. I can't stop myself, I can't stop being angry.' ]

It's a bird. He— He fucking loves stupid birds! And, it's small, and it thinks it can fly, and it can't. It can't. I had to.

[ it escalates, progresses into open, furious weeping. ]

Someone had to remind it, otherwise it'd look at the sky too much and be loved by him and I can't—

[ a half-moment of only silence, then he slams both hands to cover his face, bawling now. ] I don't know why, I don't why, I can't— I can't stop, once it starts. It's little heart. I don't know why. It scratched me and it cried and I just kept going I don't know why.

What if I hurt Luca?

Edited Date: 2012-10-18 05:47 pm (UTC)

From:

al_truism

It's still wrong, Alois. It's wrong to hurt something that can't fight back, to make it afraid and cause it pain. No matter what, it's wrong.

[Since Luca doesn't show any special love of birds, Al assumes the 'he' is someone he doesn't know. But it's the fear of hurting Luca that pulls Al up short. Right now, that's his worst fear. Alois continuing the cycle of abuse. Luca trusts and loves him so much, he'd be less likely to let on if something happened.]

Are you afraid of that?

[He sits, wrapping his arms around his legs. His voice is soft, still.]

Of hurting Luca?

From:

ex_apricots766

[ he has to take a moment or two to gather himself, swallow down stones in his empty-dry-well throat, and make where he can speak coherently enough again. ]

The most, [ 'The most'. he's afraid of everything. he laughs a lot, that's true, and sometimes there's a mischievous glint in his eyes, but that fear is restricting, persistent, it won't leave. al terrifies him. he sees how he is with luca, how good he is, how he is now. patient and with a warm presence, and alois won't dare move out from under the table because he can't understand how people can be so good.

it's not unlike hannah. he doesn't understand people like her or al and they're the most horrifying, because of their softness, their abundant patience, and because alois is a child who expects to be brutally reprimanded when he's made someone unhappy or told he's 'beautiful,' before being thrown aside.

he's disgusting. ]

I'm vulgar. I have such terrible hands, they've done a lot of terrible things. I shouldn't be— ... I hate it when things stop moving. I hate my terrible hands, I'm really.

[ conveying things is difficult! ]

I didn't want to be the only one who can't look at the sky, and I was— I'm fucking angry, I can't stop— I can't punish Claude, and it's a bird, and my hands are awful, I'm really awful.

From:

al_truism

Dear one.

[It's very soft, and though it's hushed, the emotion in it is the same as he speaks to Luca. He's tried to hold back on being familiar with Alois, but this comes too strongly to the surface to mask.]

You are not vulgar, you're not bad. I've seen horrible things, and you're not them.

From:

ex_apricots766

[ al is only saying this because he doesn't know the things alois has done. allowed to be done to him. that he's unclean, profoundly filthy, rotten cored.

he's a terrible child who's only capable of doing bad, tearing off wings, or breaking small bones, or moving them just right over a man. sinful hands. unworthy, bile-inducing hands.

the whole time, alois weeps and weeps, because for once he's at a loss for words, even fragments of sentences because he doesn't know how to say what he feels, or what he thinks, not when it's true or when he's hurting so much. there are tears stubbornly rolling down his cheeks, rebelling against the flighty, small pale hands that come up to wipe the backs of themselves, the knuckles, or wrists against his eyelashes.

a good few minutes of this, then gasping out. ] I didn't want to kill it, I didn't want to, I was so mad.

I'm tired.

I... [ he grows hush here, and the rest is muttered with airy, shock into his palms. ] I want Claude.

From:

al_truism

... come here.

[It's very soft and he has no idea if Alois with even allow a touch, but he can't watch him cry and ignore the need to comfort the tears. He holds out his hands.]

From:

ex_apricots766

[ fingers settle against the leg of a chair to push aside, and he very much wants to. he wants arms right now and it doesn't really matter how, but then he sees his raw knuckles and his dried blood speckled wrists and he pulls the arm back. ]

I'm dirty. [ all tentative, while peeking out at him. ]

From:

al_truism

I don't care.

[It's soft, final and reassuring. He doesn't care about whether he's dirty, bloody or otherwise. In any form. This is still Jim -- this is still his boy, even if he's hurting and damaged.]

From:

ex_apricots766

[ hesitating still, his eyes drop to his knees, his fingers curl in toward his palms, then he's nudging the chair aside to crawl out.

alois half-topples and half-drops his face against his chest, and winds trembling fingers into al's clothes. stares widely into the shadow against him, created by his own head. ]

From:

al_truism

[Al wraps his arms around Alois and draws him close, into a real hug -- the kind he so freely gives Luca.]

From:

ex_apricots766

[ his own arms don't wrap around, but his fingers do clench more earnestly. he's still wide-eyed, peering, heart hammering relentlessly. claude can't hold him, but al can, and he hadn't expected it to feel so different.

he can't figure out what al wants. it's enough to have him shaking too much. part of him wants to cry into him, another wants to crawl into his lap, and another wants to pull his hair and kick him, and so he strains because he isn't sure which is the best to do in this case. ]

From:

al_truism

... it's all right. I've got you.

[The warmth and reassurance is perfect. He gathers Alois up all the more, ruffling his fingers through his hair.

There's nothing more he seems to want, nothing pushed for, nothing asked. It doesn't cost him anything to give him this, and he expects nothing in return.]

From:

ex_apricots766

[ he'd hit hannah. God, would he have hit hannah had she been al in this very moment. his hands ache and he wants to, that's definite, but he's so very, very worn out and all he can manage is another quiet spilling of tears. ]

I don't understand.

From:

al_truism

... I don't think anyone does.

[It hurts to admit.]

From:

ex_apricots766

[ he's not sure what al's saying at all. after a half-minute of resting his cheek against him, he slips away to sit up, pressing the heel of a palm against one eye. ]

What do you mean?

From:

al_truism

I mean that only you understand what's going on in your mind right now... but that can be changed, depending on how much you want to let us in.

From:

ex_apricots766

Nothing is, [ and, if he were in a better state of it, he would have managed this convincingly and not so quick that it's defensive. ]

I meant, I don't understand how you can sit here like you are and talk like you fucking do with your fucking voice and make it so difficult to figure out what you must be thinking, and not hit me because I'm bad at chores or I won't do them, I killed your chicken, and I'm really gross and you're just sitting here holding me like nothing's even happened!

From:

al_truism

[Al stares at him, then sighs softly, deeply.]

... then I'll answer whatever questions you have. I'm not going to hit you because it's wrong to hit someone unless it's in self-defense, and you can't hurt me.

[There was something so simple about it. 'You can't hurt me.' But so... assured, of him.]

I'm holding you because you were crying -- when someone's upset I want to make them feel better.

From:

ex_apricots766

People aren't like that, [ he says to the floor. ]

From:

al_truism

I'm like that.

[Firmly, but still in that soft voice.]

Luca is like that.

From:

ex_apricots766

Luca is different, he's special, there isn't anyone like him.

From:

al_truism

That's the truth.

[He says it without bothering to conceal the love in his voice. Luca is obviously important to him.]

From:

ex_apricots766

[ that's. well, it's good, but the conflicting sort! how is he to share his brother after he's 'come back to life' after so long?

he only puckers his lips moodily, though, and sinks slightly in toward himself. ]

You're better for him. I've come and I'm going to mess it all up.

From:

al_truism

No.

[Al frowns, and it doesn't work on his face. It looks more like a pout. He very lightly pokes Alois' cheek.]

You're not going to mess anything up.

From:

ex_apricots766

[ both cheeks grow pink, and it might suit him—blushing, but it's such a rare, almost non-existent occurrence. he blinks widely, unsure of himself, at the ground, their legs, and his shoulders have absently hitched themselves and made him look his age, or even younger maybe.

finally, still small: ] ... maybe I can ... stitch the head back. I don't know how to stitch, but maybe ... I mean, things can be ressurected, can't they?