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[al_truism]

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[thelightbringer]

Ah-hah. And the biggest thing you've forgiven?

[al_truism]

"My dad."

He sets his chin on his knees.

[thelightbringer]

But not me, huh? [Not the least bit surprised, or offended. Just pointing it out.]

I'm sure watching forgiveness for other people is supposed to have some kind of awe-inspiring, by proxy effect on me but...it really doesn't.

[al_truism]

[He just won't even touch that. He tries not to think about his father too much because there's nothing to be done about it.]

Break forgave you.

[thelightbringer]

Forgave me for what? I've never hurt him.

[He looks at Al keenly.]

He hasn't forgiven me. He never will, because he can't. Instead, he gets to feel miserable and guilty and ashamed that he cares about me at all. So that theory's a wash, care to try another?

[al_truism]

[Al flicks a pebble at him.]

I think that neither of us are right, or wrong. And I don't think even Break would be able to answer that question for us. But forgiveness is a thing with a lot of layers.

[thelightbringer]

I've asked him. [Hollowly. So Break has answered it already.]

[al_truism]

[Al sets his cheek on his knees and just looks at him.]

... why?

[Because that's the sort of question you ask if you care about the answer.]

[thelightbringer]

Why what? Why did I ask him? Why can't he forgive me?

[Picking at the grass, but watching Al.]

[al_truism]

Why did you ask him?

[... it seems to bother Lucifer. Which makes Al a tiny bit sympathetic.]

[thelightbringer]

[Lucifer is tempted to try to shrug this off. Laugh, even. But he knows Al has seen enough it would just make it worse.]

Because I needed to know why he couldn't do something simple for me.

[al_truism]

May I ask? Or is this the point where I back off?

[thelightbringer]

[He twirls a blade of grass between his fingers.] I wanted him to treat me with the same- Well. I wanted him to treat me equally. And he won't.

[He shrugs.] So I asked, and that's why. The shame. The guilt.

[He pictures angels, one-third of the Host, all dripping with guilt and fear and rage.] ...At least it hasn't turned to anger and blame, yet. When that happens, I always have my apathetic little brother to move in with. You know, he's fixing up the fairgrounds. I'm not into rides, but the carousel? Perfect.

[al_truism]

[Al just watches him, ignoring the attempt to change the subject.]

Equal to what?

[This is the last he'll push. He's careful.]

[thelightbringer]

Take a guess. [No, he means that. Guess. He's stuck between two opposing impulses, and isn't sure he ought to explain. So he uses the blade of grass as a whistle, and just watches Al.]

Or ask him. Or don't, I suppose. He cares enough about you that it clouds up his judgment. Makes him overly protective of you.

[al_truism]

[The juxtaposition between the two subjects makes him frown a little. But his eyes widen.]

... to me?

[thelightbringer]

...No, the equality wasn't about you. The reason I'm here talking to you instead of him? That's because of his misplaced protectiveness. And fear of you, I think. Of what you think of him. Same thing, really.

[al_truism]

Good. Because that wouldn't have made sense.

[Al looks down at his feel.]

We had a talk. He's still feeling like that, huh?

[thelightbringer]

He probably always will. He wants you around, he's sure you'll leave...he's afraid of giving you a reason to go. But you already know that.

[al_truism]

... I won't leave him. As long as he decides he needs or wants me.

[thelightbringer]

He's the one you have to convince, not me. Which is hard to do when he's afraid to give you the chance. [Yes. He does realize what a hypocrite he's being just by saying that, but screw it. Al's not his friend, this is about Break.]

[al_truism]

... I broke his heart. It doesn't matter if I didn't mean to and couldn't control the situation.

And after he saved your life, I seriously considered walking away. And he knew it.

[thelightbringer]

So you see why he's hesitant to tell you anything that even he can't cope with.

[Lucifer looks at Al a moment, and reluctantly allows himself one question.]

How could you think of doing that to him? You, of all people.

[al_truism]

Because I thought he didn't need me and didn't want me there. We never completely repaired things between us, and the more I tried... the more I was sure he didn't want to.

It just seemed like the last nail in the coffin.

[thelightbringer]

[Lucifer just looks at him, and wonders just when he'd begun to expect better from a human. Insecure, easily damaged, ever cautious humans. He hasn't even begun to stop being angry over Al declaring he couldn't trust Break because of Lucifer, but this just underscores it.

He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]

And now?