...No, the equality wasn't about you. The reason I'm here talking to you instead of him? That's because of his misplaced protectiveness. And fear of you, I think. Of what you think of him. Same thing, really.
He's the one you have to convince, not me. Which is hard to do when he's afraid to give you the chance. [Yes. He does realize what a hypocrite he's being just by saying that, but screw it. Al's not his friend, this is about Break.]
Because I thought he didn't need me and didn't want me there. We never completely repaired things between us, and the more I tried... the more I was sure he didn't want to.
[Lucifer just looks at him, and wonders just when he'd begun to expect better from a human. Insecure, easily damaged, ever cautious humans. He hasn't even begun to stop being angry over Al declaring he couldn't trust Break because of Lucifer, but this just underscores it.
He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]
[Al knows what Lucifer thinks of him. He's always known. He wants not to care, but a part of him does, if only because he knows that in some respect Lucifer is right.
Al handles this badly.]
... he's spent the whole time we've known each other trying in subtle ways to drive me away. But the moment I considered it was the moment he needed me most.
And now, it's like he's stopped trying to get me to leave. Like he's afraid I'll listen.
Yes. Because you will. [Lucifer sneers at him in disdain, finally slipping free of the control he's had, if only to make a point.] You almost did, and all because he's the only one of you self-righteous little ants who was willing to do the right thing.
You're surprised he's stopped believing in you? You haven't done a real thing to keep his faith since you 'broke his heart', Al, and you know it. Whatever you are, it's not half the person he wants to think you are, and I know it.
I'm not interested in proving a point, because you've already made up your mind about me. You know how you want to see me, and frankly, I don't have the energy to care.
I listen to you when it's in Break's best interest, because sometimes you're useful in spite of yourself. But just like I don't know you, or you and Break's relationship, you don't know me, and you don't know about what goes on between us.
Stop. [Rolling his eyes, hand up.] I do know you. I can see everything about you, Al. I'm not like you. I don't have to go off of assumptions when I can just peer into your tiny little head and see your life.
I know you well enough that even I started to hope you'd be more than this. I'm disgusted that I was wrong about you, but I'm angry that Break was wrong and you act like you're the victim here.
[It hurts. It hurts not because Lucifer believes this of him, but because he can't be better. All his life people have told him how good he is, and he isn't good enough to make sure Break doesn't hurt.]
And what was it you expected me to do, Lucifer? Never question your motives? Never question how this will turn out? Always go along with everything that happens with a smile on my face, trusting that everything will be just fine and that if we just wish hard enough, you'll go back on what you've spent an eternity doing and feeling and everything will magically be fixed?
No. Because this isn't about me, it's about you. You could have at least talked to him about what happened before you decided he wasn't worth your trust anymore. You know, communicate. Like a friend should.
But you didn't because you're just like all the others. You're exactly the sort of fair weather pal he's afraid you are.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:12 am (UTC)... to me?
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 04:14 am (UTC)[Al looks down at his feel.]
We had a talk. He's still feeling like that, huh?
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 04:22 am (UTC)And after he saved your life, I seriously considered walking away. And he knew it.
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:23 am (UTC)[Lucifer looks at Al a moment, and reluctantly allows himself one question.]
How could you think of doing that to him? You, of all people.
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:29 am (UTC)It just seemed like the last nail in the coffin.
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:35 am (UTC)He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]
And now?
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:51 am (UTC)Al handles this badly.]
... he's spent the whole time we've known each other trying in subtle ways to drive me away. But the moment I considered it was the moment he needed me most.
And now, it's like he's stopped trying to get me to leave. Like he's afraid I'll listen.
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Date: 2012-04-04 04:57 am (UTC)You're surprised he's stopped believing in you? You haven't done a real thing to keep his faith since you 'broke his heart', Al, and you know it. Whatever you are, it's not half the person he wants to think you are, and I know it.
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 05:09 am (UTC)[He's actually reining in the anger; it's just too late to salvage the conversation. He won't apologize because he's right.]
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:15 am (UTC)I listen to you when it's in Break's best interest, because sometimes you're useful in spite of yourself. But just like I don't know you, or you and Break's relationship, you don't know me, and you don't know about what goes on between us.
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:18 am (UTC)I know you well enough that even I started to hope you'd be more than this. I'm disgusted that I was wrong about you, but I'm angry that Break was wrong and you act like you're the victim here.
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:30 am (UTC)And what was it you expected me to do, Lucifer? Never question your motives? Never question how this will turn out? Always go along with everything that happens with a smile on my face, trusting that everything will be just fine and that if we just wish hard enough, you'll go back on what you've spent an eternity doing and feeling and everything will magically be fixed?
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:43 am (UTC)But you didn't because you're just like all the others. You're exactly the sort of fair weather pal he's afraid you are.
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:53 am (UTC)[He lets the truth of it stand on its own.]
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:02 am (UTC)I didn't walk away. I went to him. And I always will, so long as he wants it.
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Date: 2012-04-04 06:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:06 am (UTC)You are really determined to believe this.
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Date: 2012-04-04 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
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