I'm not interested in proving a point, because you've already made up your mind about me. You know how you want to see me, and frankly, I don't have the energy to care.
I listen to you when it's in Break's best interest, because sometimes you're useful in spite of yourself. But just like I don't know you, or you and Break's relationship, you don't know me, and you don't know about what goes on between us.
Stop. [Rolling his eyes, hand up.] I do know you. I can see everything about you, Al. I'm not like you. I don't have to go off of assumptions when I can just peer into your tiny little head and see your life.
I know you well enough that even I started to hope you'd be more than this. I'm disgusted that I was wrong about you, but I'm angry that Break was wrong and you act like you're the victim here.
[It hurts. It hurts not because Lucifer believes this of him, but because he can't be better. All his life people have told him how good he is, and he isn't good enough to make sure Break doesn't hurt.]
And what was it you expected me to do, Lucifer? Never question your motives? Never question how this will turn out? Always go along with everything that happens with a smile on my face, trusting that everything will be just fine and that if we just wish hard enough, you'll go back on what you've spent an eternity doing and feeling and everything will magically be fixed?
No. Because this isn't about me, it's about you. You could have at least talked to him about what happened before you decided he wasn't worth your trust anymore. You know, communicate. Like a friend should.
But you didn't because you're just like all the others. You're exactly the sort of fair weather pal he's afraid you are.
Now you're just starting to grind my last nerve. [Deep breath. Exaggerated gestures.] You and I. We had a conversation about this. About what he did for me, and how it affected how you look at him. Ok? If you blocked that out, trust me on it.
Shortly after that--and because I told you to!--you spoke to Xerxes about it, and about his relationship with me. He told you about Urahara. I know he did because he told me. Still follow?
Now. You're acting like all that either never happened, or like your opinion of Break's judgment changed so miraculously I should have seen it shining in the skies.
A moment ago we were talking about when he was bedridden.
My version of time is a lot more linear than yours, Lucifer. You're going to have to specify exactly what you're talking about before you jump between things like that.
[Patiently, of all things.]
His relationship with Mr. Urahara never affected whether I trusted him or not. I changed my mind after you woke me up at five in the morning to go for a walk in the dark, and you let me know that Break was hurting over the issue of trust.
I considered and thought about it a lot, and I went to him. No. I didn't tell you about that, and obviously he didn't tell you about it either.
I'm glad you did. [It's hard to tell if he means that; his tone has barely changed during this entire exchange. He seems as mocking, or as angry, or as amiable as ever.] How did that change your mind?
You didn't. But you let me know that it was an issue with him, which made me realize I needed to go talk to him.
... I thought a lot about things. About what he sees in you. About how mad you were that Break was in pain.
[He pauses for a moment here, trying to gather his thoughts.]
It made me realize that whatever is happening hasn't gone wrong yet. Which means that he hasn't been wrong yet. And here I am, refusing to trust him out of fear of what I've seen happen in other situations.
It made me realize that I might be wrong. ... I can't trust in you like he does, but... that doesn't mean I should write everything off without giving him a chance, either.
[Lucifer offers a low, thoughtful sound and looks back at the grass.] That's all I wanted from you. I don't care if you ever trust me; I expect you won't. Why should you? We're not friends. I don't need you, you don't need me. But the way you handle him effects how he handles me, and everyone else around him.
I'm not going to be exactly what you want me to be, Lucifer- but I love Break. That's the one and only reason for all of this.
[Talking to Lucifer at all. Agreeing to help him even a little bit. Giving him this information. Sitting here and taking the things he says. If he didn't care about Break immensely, he would be far, far away.]
I'm going to do my best to help him any way I can.
You'd better hope you're what I want, Al. [It's not even said as a threat, though the reality is simply that: be what Lucifer wants, to stay off his radar.]
Don't try to justify it to me. I already know your motives; I just don't care. You're helping me, and right now you aren't trying to hurt what I have. That's all that matters to me.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 05:09 am (UTC)[He's actually reining in the anger; it's just too late to salvage the conversation. He won't apologize because he's right.]
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:15 am (UTC)I listen to you when it's in Break's best interest, because sometimes you're useful in spite of yourself. But just like I don't know you, or you and Break's relationship, you don't know me, and you don't know about what goes on between us.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 05:18 am (UTC)I know you well enough that even I started to hope you'd be more than this. I'm disgusted that I was wrong about you, but I'm angry that Break was wrong and you act like you're the victim here.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 05:30 am (UTC)And what was it you expected me to do, Lucifer? Never question your motives? Never question how this will turn out? Always go along with everything that happens with a smile on my face, trusting that everything will be just fine and that if we just wish hard enough, you'll go back on what you've spent an eternity doing and feeling and everything will magically be fixed?
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:43 am (UTC)But you didn't because you're just like all the others. You're exactly the sort of fair weather pal he's afraid you are.
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:53 am (UTC)[He lets the truth of it stand on its own.]
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:02 am (UTC)I didn't walk away. I went to him. And I always will, so long as he wants it.
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Date: 2012-04-04 06:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:06 am (UTC)You are really determined to believe this.
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Date: 2012-04-04 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:20 am (UTC)Shortly after that--and because I told you to!--you spoke to Xerxes about it, and about his relationship with me. He told you about Urahara. I know he did because he told me. Still follow?
Now. You're acting like all that either never happened, or like your opinion of Break's judgment changed so miraculously I should have seen it shining in the skies.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:26 am (UTC)My version of time is a lot more linear than yours, Lucifer. You're going to have to specify exactly what you're talking about before you jump between things like that.
[Patiently, of all things.]
His relationship with Mr. Urahara never affected whether I trusted him or not. I changed my mind after you woke me up at five in the morning to go for a walk in the dark, and you let me know that Break was hurting over the issue of trust.
I considered and thought about it a lot, and I went to him. No. I didn't tell you about that, and obviously he didn't tell you about it either.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 06:36 am (UTC)... I thought a lot about things. About what he sees in you. About how mad you were that Break was in pain.
[He pauses for a moment here, trying to gather his thoughts.]
It made me realize that whatever is happening hasn't gone wrong yet. Which means that he hasn't been wrong yet. And here I am, refusing to trust him out of fear of what I've seen happen in other situations.
It made me realize that I might be wrong. ... I can't trust in you like he does, but... that doesn't mean I should write everything off without giving him a chance, either.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 03:48 pm (UTC)[Talking to Lucifer at all. Agreeing to help him even a little bit. Giving him this information. Sitting here and taking the things he says. If he didn't care about Break immensely, he would be far, far away.]
I'm going to do my best to help him any way I can.
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Date: 2012-04-04 05:15 pm (UTC)Don't try to justify it to me. I already know your motives; I just don't care. You're helping me, and right now you aren't trying to hurt what I have. That's all that matters to me.
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Date: 2012-04-05 01:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:39 am (UTC)Good. But, you know, you should care if you're what he wants in a friend. At least a little.
[And reluctantly, Lucifer smiles.] I think you probably are. But what do I know?
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:48 am (UTC)[For selfish reasons, but whatever. It's keeping people happy so far.]
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Date: 2012-04-05 01:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
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