A lot of reasons. [None of which he really wants to share, but he has to pick at least one.]
Look, I know you're all hoping that because I like him, I'll see the good in humanity. But here's the thing: he's the exception. Being with him has made it more obvious what a waste of space humans are. None of you are like him.
But he cares about you, and he puts a lot of his worth in what he can do for other people. So I try to let him have his community. I don't want to break him, Al.
And what makes a better gift than, 'I let your friend punch me in the face and still chose not to turn him inside out'?
[He hopes for a long of things. None of which seem like they're going to happen.]
... I honestly don't know anymore.
[It's tangled up in a lot of things. He'd thought that Lucifer might be starting to care a little. It put Al in a position to trust him, just a small bit. But now it looks like that slipped away.]
It's not fair of me to expect you to change who you are to suit me, but-
I can't in good conscience invest myself, as much as I might want to.
I know you can't. [And for a second he sounds truly, earnestly sorry about that.]
That's one of the things that went so wrong with Jinx. I think everyone wants to believe they can change someone. Especially someone everyone else thinks is irredeemable.
[He offers Al a small, sad smile.]
But I am who I am. ...Do you know why I kept talking to you?
Because I hoped you'd be more practical and less fear-blind than your friends. And you were.
You may want me to change, but you don't expect me to. And I hoped you wouldn't act betrayed when I didn't warp my personality to make you like me.
That and--whether it's because you act like my brother, or because of all that other stuff about you not expecting things from me? I don't have to tiptoe with you. I can make you so angry you see red, and we'll still end up like this.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-06-02 07:43 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 07:44 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 07:57 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 07:58 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 08:02 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 08:13 am (UTC)When you're willing to try to understand why he is the way he is.
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Date: 2012-06-02 08:19 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 08:22 am (UTC)Re: [Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:25 pm (UTC)Look, I know you're all hoping that because I like him, I'll see the good in humanity. But here's the thing: he's the exception. Being with him has made it more obvious what a waste of space humans are. None of you are like him.
But he cares about you, and he puts a lot of his worth in what he can do for other people. So I try to let him have his community. I don't want to break him, Al.
And what makes a better gift than, 'I let your friend punch me in the face and still chose not to turn him inside out'?
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:32 pm (UTC)I'm hoping that you'll love him enough to want to see what he sees. He is different.
... that's why I started talking to you. Even with the things you'd done.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:41 pm (UTC)[It's hard to like someone when you see every temptation hanging over every person's head.]
Why did you keep talking to me? Same reason?
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:42 pm (UTC)Partially.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:44 pm (UTC)[He sits again under the tree and peers up at Al.]
And partially Joshua?
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:51 pm (UTC)[He hopes for a long of things. None of which seem like they're going to happen.]
... I honestly don't know anymore.
[It's tangled up in a lot of things. He'd thought that Lucifer might be starting to care a little. It put Al in a position to trust him, just a small bit. But now it looks like that slipped away.]
It's not fair of me to expect you to change who you are to suit me, but-
I can't in good conscience invest myself, as much as I might want to.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:54 pm (UTC)That's one of the things that went so wrong with Jinx. I think everyone wants to believe they can change someone. Especially someone everyone else thinks is irredeemable.
[He offers Al a small, sad smile.]
But I am who I am. ...Do you know why I kept talking to you?
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-02 11:59 pm (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:03 am (UTC)You may want me to change, but you don't expect me to. And I hoped you wouldn't act betrayed when I didn't warp my personality to make you like me.
That and--whether it's because you act like my brother, or because of all that other stuff about you not expecting things from me? I don't have to tiptoe with you. I can make you so angry you see red, and we'll still end up like this.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:06 am (UTC)[He's trying not to smile, as sad and hurting as it is.]
And I'm not sorry for punching you.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:08 am (UTC)[He admits this softly, not caring if the words become lost in the summer air.]
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:10 am (UTC)I was expecting you to kill me when I punched you.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:11 am (UTC)[He only has so much patience.]
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Date: 2012-06-03 12:14 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:15 am (UTC)[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:21 am (UTC)I might -- tell Xerxes, but that's it.
[Offline]
Date: 2012-06-03 12:23 am (UTC)I'll tell him. He'll probably come make sure I wasn't lying about not hurting you, you can...talk to him then.
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