He hasn't forgiven me. He never will, because he can't. Instead, he gets to feel miserable and guilty and ashamed that he cares about me at all. So that theory's a wash, care to try another?
I think that neither of us are right, or wrong. And I don't think even Break would be able to answer that question for us. But forgiveness is a thing with a lot of layers.
[He twirls a blade of grass between his fingers.] I wanted him to treat me with the same- Well. I wanted him to treat me equally. And he won't.
[He shrugs.] So I asked, and that's why. The shame. The guilt.
[He pictures angels, one-third of the Host, all dripping with guilt and fear and rage.] ...At least it hasn't turned to anger and blame, yet. When that happens, I always have my apathetic little brother to move in with. You know, he's fixing up the fairgrounds. I'm not into rides, but the carousel? Perfect.
Take a guess. [No, he means that. Guess. He's stuck between two opposing impulses, and isn't sure he ought to explain. So he uses the blade of grass as a whistle, and just watches Al.]
Or ask him. Or don't, I suppose. He cares enough about you that it clouds up his judgment. Makes him overly protective of you.
...No, the equality wasn't about you. The reason I'm here talking to you instead of him? That's because of his misplaced protectiveness. And fear of you, I think. Of what you think of him. Same thing, really.
He's the one you have to convince, not me. Which is hard to do when he's afraid to give you the chance. [Yes. He does realize what a hypocrite he's being just by saying that, but screw it. Al's not his friend, this is about Break.]
Because I thought he didn't need me and didn't want me there. We never completely repaired things between us, and the more I tried... the more I was sure he didn't want to.
[Lucifer just looks at him, and wonders just when he'd begun to expect better from a human. Insecure, easily damaged, ever cautious humans. He hasn't even begun to stop being angry over Al declaring he couldn't trust Break because of Lucifer, but this just underscores it.
He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]
[Al knows what Lucifer thinks of him. He's always known. He wants not to care, but a part of him does, if only because he knows that in some respect Lucifer is right.
Al handles this badly.]
... he's spent the whole time we've known each other trying in subtle ways to drive me away. But the moment I considered it was the moment he needed me most.
And now, it's like he's stopped trying to get me to leave. Like he's afraid I'll listen.
Yes. Because you will. [Lucifer sneers at him in disdain, finally slipping free of the control he's had, if only to make a point.] You almost did, and all because he's the only one of you self-righteous little ants who was willing to do the right thing.
You're surprised he's stopped believing in you? You haven't done a real thing to keep his faith since you 'broke his heart', Al, and you know it. Whatever you are, it's not half the person he wants to think you are, and I know it.
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Break forgave you.
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[He looks at Al keenly.]
He hasn't forgiven me. He never will, because he can't. Instead, he gets to feel miserable and guilty and ashamed that he cares about me at all. So that theory's a wash, care to try another?
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I think that neither of us are right, or wrong. And I don't think even Break would be able to answer that question for us. But forgiveness is a thing with a lot of layers.
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... why?
[Because that's the sort of question you ask if you care about the answer.]
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[Picking at the grass, but watching Al.]
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[... it seems to bother Lucifer. Which makes Al a tiny bit sympathetic.]
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Because I needed to know why he couldn't do something simple for me.
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[He shrugs.] So I asked, and that's why. The shame. The guilt.
[He pictures angels, one-third of the Host, all dripping with guilt and fear and rage.] ...At least it hasn't turned to anger and blame, yet. When that happens, I always have my apathetic little brother to move in with. You know, he's fixing up the fairgrounds. I'm not into rides, but the carousel? Perfect.
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Equal to what?
[This is the last he'll push. He's careful.]
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Or ask him. Or don't, I suppose. He cares enough about you that it clouds up his judgment. Makes him overly protective of you.
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... to me?
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[Al looks down at his feel.]
We had a talk. He's still feeling like that, huh?
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And after he saved your life, I seriously considered walking away. And he knew it.
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[Lucifer looks at Al a moment, and reluctantly allows himself one question.]
How could you think of doing that to him? You, of all people.
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It just seemed like the last nail in the coffin.
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He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]
And now?
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Al handles this badly.]
... he's spent the whole time we've known each other trying in subtle ways to drive me away. But the moment I considered it was the moment he needed me most.
And now, it's like he's stopped trying to get me to leave. Like he's afraid I'll listen.
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You're surprised he's stopped believing in you? You haven't done a real thing to keep his faith since you 'broke his heart', Al, and you know it. Whatever you are, it's not half the person he wants to think you are, and I know it.
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