I think everyone who's lost a parent wonders. Longs for it, even. And the funny thing is--even if you can find out for sure what it would have been like, it's not quite enough.
[Al sounds tired but vaguely happy when he says it. He shrugs. Kitty, meanwhile, flops on her back and presents different body parts for petting, mostly her stomach, sides, neck and shoulders.]
It was my first fall here and it was starting to get cold out. It was raining and I found a box of kittens, crying. They were still young enough to be nursing. I waited and the mother didn't come back, so I took them to a friend's house. He was used to raising cats.
He showed me how to feed them, and I hand-raised them. The others all quickly found homes, but- she was special.
[Al half-laughs and crouches down to pet Kitty. She immediately climbs into his lap, worming her way into his arms.]
... for one, he's with someone, and I'm not the type to be in an open relationship. Two, when it comes to our emotional needs, we function much better as friends. We drastically disagree about a lot of things, which is healthy in a friendship but could cause more friction in a relationship if it's not handled well, which I'm not sure we're capable of doing at our current maturity level.
Three, he does still see me in a lot of ways as a child. That's not a healthy dynamic to have in a relationship. Though that could be worked past, it's another thing I worry over.
Four, he deserves better than to be my desperate rebound and always wonder if he's second best.
Five, if either of us disappeared, it would destroy the other.
[It doesn't hurt. There are other reasons too, but he's not going to go into Lucifer and Break's relationship and how being with Al would cause friction between them.]
It's just how we handle things. But it's enough that it causes friction that could be hurtful if we were closer.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-06-07 03:54 am (UTC)No. No, there's a difference between what we need and what we want.
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Date: 2012-06-07 03:57 am (UTC)Even if I grew up okay, I wonder how it might have been, I guess.
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Date: 2012-06-07 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-07 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-07 04:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-07 04:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-07 04:06 am (UTC)That doesn't mean you didn't miss out.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:13 am (UTC)I have to accept the fact that Luca's going to grow up fast, too.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:14 am (UTC)Growing up fast doesn't mean you can't enjoy things the way you would if you were still young.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:16 am (UTC)[Only now does he notice Kitty following at their feet.]
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:18 am (UTC)[Lucifer looks back at the cat when Al does.]
Good thing I didn't bring Sugarplum, hm?
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:26 am (UTC)[Kitty mewls and rubs up against Lucifer's leg, bell ringing. Al stops with a sigh.]
She likes everybody.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:27 am (UTC)[He's tall, so he has to kneel down to pet her.]
How did you get her?
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:34 am (UTC)[Al sounds tired but vaguely happy when he says it. He shrugs. Kitty, meanwhile, flops on her back and presents different body parts for petting, mostly her stomach, sides, neck and shoulders.]
It was my first fall here and it was starting to get cold out. It was raining and I found a box of kittens, crying. They were still young enough to be nursing. I waited and the mother didn't come back, so I took them to a friend's house. He was used to raising cats.
He showed me how to feed them, and I hand-raised them. The others all quickly found homes, but- she was special.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:37 am (UTC)[Lucifer, on the other hand, sounds guarded. He listens to Al's story, but says nothing after it.]
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:38 am (UTC)A relationship between us wouldn't work.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:40 am (UTC)Besides, you'll be surprised what the other stages of grief can make you want to do.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-07 04:42 am (UTC)[Still rubbing Kitty's neck]
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-07 04:48 am (UTC)[He looks at Al, debating what to say. Eventually he shrugs.]
People try for second chances all the time. Especially when they're vulnerable. ...And this might be the most surreal conversation I've had all week.
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Date: 2012-06-07 04:54 am (UTC)... for one, he's with someone, and I'm not the type to be in an open relationship. Two, when it comes to our emotional needs, we function much better as friends. We drastically disagree about a lot of things, which is healthy in a friendship but could cause more friction in a relationship if it's not handled well, which I'm not sure we're capable of doing at our current maturity level.
Three, he does still see me in a lot of ways as a child. That's not a healthy dynamic to have in a relationship. Though that could be worked past, it's another thing I worry over.
Four, he deserves better than to be my desperate rebound and always wonder if he's second best.
Five, if either of us disappeared, it would destroy the other.
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Date: 2012-06-07 05:00 am (UTC)[he might as well be blunt.]
What 'things' do you fundamentally disagree on, anyway?
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Date: 2012-06-07 05:06 am (UTC)It's just how we handle things. But it's enough that it causes friction that could be hurtful if we were closer.
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Date: 2012-06-07 05:08 am (UTC)You two smash trees when you're angry. Seems like important common ground.
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