Because I thought he didn't need me and didn't want me there. We never completely repaired things between us, and the more I tried... the more I was sure he didn't want to.
[Lucifer just looks at him, and wonders just when he'd begun to expect better from a human. Insecure, easily damaged, ever cautious humans. He hasn't even begun to stop being angry over Al declaring he couldn't trust Break because of Lucifer, but this just underscores it.
He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]
[Al knows what Lucifer thinks of him. He's always known. He wants not to care, but a part of him does, if only because he knows that in some respect Lucifer is right.
Al handles this badly.]
... he's spent the whole time we've known each other trying in subtle ways to drive me away. But the moment I considered it was the moment he needed me most.
And now, it's like he's stopped trying to get me to leave. Like he's afraid I'll listen.
Yes. Because you will. [Lucifer sneers at him in disdain, finally slipping free of the control he's had, if only to make a point.] You almost did, and all because he's the only one of you self-righteous little ants who was willing to do the right thing.
You're surprised he's stopped believing in you? You haven't done a real thing to keep his faith since you 'broke his heart', Al, and you know it. Whatever you are, it's not half the person he wants to think you are, and I know it.
I'm not interested in proving a point, because you've already made up your mind about me. You know how you want to see me, and frankly, I don't have the energy to care.
I listen to you when it's in Break's best interest, because sometimes you're useful in spite of yourself. But just like I don't know you, or you and Break's relationship, you don't know me, and you don't know about what goes on between us.
Stop. [Rolling his eyes, hand up.] I do know you. I can see everything about you, Al. I'm not like you. I don't have to go off of assumptions when I can just peer into your tiny little head and see your life.
I know you well enough that even I started to hope you'd be more than this. I'm disgusted that I was wrong about you, but I'm angry that Break was wrong and you act like you're the victim here.
[It hurts. It hurts not because Lucifer believes this of him, but because he can't be better. All his life people have told him how good he is, and he isn't good enough to make sure Break doesn't hurt.]
And what was it you expected me to do, Lucifer? Never question your motives? Never question how this will turn out? Always go along with everything that happens with a smile on my face, trusting that everything will be just fine and that if we just wish hard enough, you'll go back on what you've spent an eternity doing and feeling and everything will magically be fixed?
No. Because this isn't about me, it's about you. You could have at least talked to him about what happened before you decided he wasn't worth your trust anymore. You know, communicate. Like a friend should.
But you didn't because you're just like all the others. You're exactly the sort of fair weather pal he's afraid you are.
Now you're just starting to grind my last nerve. [Deep breath. Exaggerated gestures.] You and I. We had a conversation about this. About what he did for me, and how it affected how you look at him. Ok? If you blocked that out, trust me on it.
Shortly after that--and because I told you to!--you spoke to Xerxes about it, and about his relationship with me. He told you about Urahara. I know he did because he told me. Still follow?
Now. You're acting like all that either never happened, or like your opinion of Break's judgment changed so miraculously I should have seen it shining in the skies.
A moment ago we were talking about when he was bedridden.
My version of time is a lot more linear than yours, Lucifer. You're going to have to specify exactly what you're talking about before you jump between things like that.
[Patiently, of all things.]
His relationship with Mr. Urahara never affected whether I trusted him or not. I changed my mind after you woke me up at five in the morning to go for a walk in the dark, and you let me know that Break was hurting over the issue of trust.
I considered and thought about it a lot, and I went to him. No. I didn't tell you about that, and obviously he didn't tell you about it either.
I'm glad you did. [It's hard to tell if he means that; his tone has barely changed during this entire exchange. He seems as mocking, or as angry, or as amiable as ever.] How did that change your mind?
You didn't. But you let me know that it was an issue with him, which made me realize I needed to go talk to him.
... I thought a lot about things. About what he sees in you. About how mad you were that Break was in pain.
[He pauses for a moment here, trying to gather his thoughts.]
It made me realize that whatever is happening hasn't gone wrong yet. Which means that he hasn't been wrong yet. And here I am, refusing to trust him out of fear of what I've seen happen in other situations.
It made me realize that I might be wrong. ... I can't trust in you like he does, but... that doesn't mean I should write everything off without giving him a chance, either.
[Lucifer offers a low, thoughtful sound and looks back at the grass.] That's all I wanted from you. I don't care if you ever trust me; I expect you won't. Why should you? We're not friends. I don't need you, you don't need me. But the way you handle him effects how he handles me, and everyone else around him.
I'm not going to be exactly what you want me to be, Lucifer- but I love Break. That's the one and only reason for all of this.
[Talking to Lucifer at all. Agreeing to help him even a little bit. Giving him this information. Sitting here and taking the things he says. If he didn't care about Break immensely, he would be far, far away.]
I'm going to do my best to help him any way I can.
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And after he saved your life, I seriously considered walking away. And he knew it.
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[Lucifer looks at Al a moment, and reluctantly allows himself one question.]
How could you think of doing that to him? You, of all people.
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It just seemed like the last nail in the coffin.
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He can't decide if he should keep this conversation to himself until Break is dead, or if he should exploit it. Drive Al away with it--the boy isn't worth it anyway, after all, not if this is how he's going to handle Break. His lips quirk, half-indulgent, half-disgusted.]
And now?
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Al handles this badly.]
... he's spent the whole time we've known each other trying in subtle ways to drive me away. But the moment I considered it was the moment he needed me most.
And now, it's like he's stopped trying to get me to leave. Like he's afraid I'll listen.
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You're surprised he's stopped believing in you? You haven't done a real thing to keep his faith since you 'broke his heart', Al, and you know it. Whatever you are, it's not half the person he wants to think you are, and I know it.
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[He's actually reining in the anger; it's just too late to salvage the conversation. He won't apologize because he's right.]
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I listen to you when it's in Break's best interest, because sometimes you're useful in spite of yourself. But just like I don't know you, or you and Break's relationship, you don't know me, and you don't know about what goes on between us.
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I know you well enough that even I started to hope you'd be more than this. I'm disgusted that I was wrong about you, but I'm angry that Break was wrong and you act like you're the victim here.
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And what was it you expected me to do, Lucifer? Never question your motives? Never question how this will turn out? Always go along with everything that happens with a smile on my face, trusting that everything will be just fine and that if we just wish hard enough, you'll go back on what you've spent an eternity doing and feeling and everything will magically be fixed?
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But you didn't because you're just like all the others. You're exactly the sort of fair weather pal he's afraid you are.
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[He lets the truth of it stand on its own.]
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I didn't walk away. I went to him. And I always will, so long as he wants it.
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You are really determined to believe this.
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Shortly after that--and because I told you to!--you spoke to Xerxes about it, and about his relationship with me. He told you about Urahara. I know he did because he told me. Still follow?
Now. You're acting like all that either never happened, or like your opinion of Break's judgment changed so miraculously I should have seen it shining in the skies.
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My version of time is a lot more linear than yours, Lucifer. You're going to have to specify exactly what you're talking about before you jump between things like that.
[Patiently, of all things.]
His relationship with Mr. Urahara never affected whether I trusted him or not. I changed my mind after you woke me up at five in the morning to go for a walk in the dark, and you let me know that Break was hurting over the issue of trust.
I considered and thought about it a lot, and I went to him. No. I didn't tell you about that, and obviously he didn't tell you about it either.
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... I thought a lot about things. About what he sees in you. About how mad you were that Break was in pain.
[He pauses for a moment here, trying to gather his thoughts.]
It made me realize that whatever is happening hasn't gone wrong yet. Which means that he hasn't been wrong yet. And here I am, refusing to trust him out of fear of what I've seen happen in other situations.
It made me realize that I might be wrong. ... I can't trust in you like he does, but... that doesn't mean I should write everything off without giving him a chance, either.
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[Talking to Lucifer at all. Agreeing to help him even a little bit. Giving him this information. Sitting here and taking the things he says. If he didn't care about Break immensely, he would be far, far away.]
I'm going to do my best to help him any way I can.
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