[ 'Why,' al is saying. why, why, why, in such an uncomfortably calm way, and alois is present in it, listening, but not daring to look. his throat is dry. 'Smaller than you, helpless, that couldn't fight back;' his throat is a deserted, empty, unusable well, his stomach is acid, and he wants to be sick. eyes open, eyes closed, moving, sitting still, speaking, or sleeping, he has the kind of mind that won't turn off. it overlaps and intersects with vilely vivid memory and graphic imaginative imagery, it makes him restless and flighty, makes him cry too much and laugh too loud. it turns him inside-out, and all of him comes tumbling out onto the floor.
there's a piece of himself that watches it happen. it's sucked into the middle, compressed feeling, and he watches himself damage, destroy, lose any semblance of control he waltzes around and pretends to have in the first place.
it happens mostly during the worst of times. though, by his standards even 'bad times' are skewed. still, the world-shaking realization he's made, inadvertently caused by his own brother's well-meaning curiosity and honesty, is the worst of the worst of times.
for a long while, alois says nothing, makes not even the smallest move to say anything, and gazes out through the chair-legs in a vague stupor at the fluffy, messy remains of chicken someways from the two of them. al's words are running and running through his head. he watches people throw stones at or beat luca, he watches a man make money off of jim, watches the same man sell jim and other boys, watches from a deep, underground place, boy after boy go to appease an earl, watches boys grow thinner, sicker, and he watches servants drag corpses out by legs like livestock, and he watches Father get angry if he ever slips up, if he ever isn't just so.
he watches claude faustus saying things. he says luca macken, and sebastian michaelis, and he tells him about ciel phantomhive when he goes out to gather information, and sometimes there's a quirk to his lips and his eyes are satisfied, lustful, he puts his hand in alois' hair and makes it seem comforting. he says, 'magnificent.'
his eyes are unconsciously a little wider, and he's forgotten to breathe, the result of which has him coughing so suddenly he sits up too fast and knocks his head. ]
I had— [ 'smaller,' he still hears in al's voice, and his lower lashes are brimming over with tears. ]
It's a bird, it's— it was— it's a bird. [ this is all shaky, but he thinks it's sufficient. ]
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Date: 2012-10-18 02:18 pm (UTC)there's a piece of himself that watches it happen. it's sucked into the middle, compressed feeling, and he watches himself damage, destroy, lose any semblance of control he waltzes around and pretends to have in the first place.
it happens mostly during the worst of times. though, by his standards even 'bad times' are skewed. still, the world-shaking realization he's made, inadvertently caused by his own brother's well-meaning curiosity and honesty, is the worst of the worst of times.
for a long while, alois says nothing, makes not even the smallest move to say anything, and gazes out through the chair-legs in a vague stupor at the fluffy, messy remains of chicken someways from the two of them. al's words are running and running through his head. he watches people throw stones at or beat luca, he watches a man make money off of jim, watches the same man sell jim and other boys, watches from a deep, underground place, boy after boy go to appease an earl, watches boys grow thinner, sicker, and he watches servants drag corpses out by legs like livestock, and he watches Father get angry if he ever slips up, if he ever isn't just so.
he watches claude faustus saying things. he says luca macken, and sebastian michaelis, and he tells him about ciel phantomhive when he goes out to gather information, and sometimes there's a quirk to his lips and his eyes are satisfied, lustful, he puts his hand in alois' hair and makes it seem comforting. he says, 'magnificent.'
his eyes are unconsciously a little wider, and he's forgotten to breathe, the result of which has him coughing so suddenly he sits up too fast and knocks his head. ]
I had— [ 'smaller,' he still hears in al's voice, and his lower lashes are brimming over with tears. ]
It's a bird, it's— it was— it's a bird. [ this is all shaky, but he thinks it's sufficient. ]